Sometimes inspiration comes at night. Maybe it's just
unhindered rambling. Whatever the case, I have these churnings going on in my
heart and I've got to let them out.
BEWARE: This is long. But I think it's good.
I think it's pretty safe to say that I've left this blog
“hanging.” I haven't really told you what I'm doing with my life these days,
and there's a reason for that. I don't really have an answer.
There's no way for me to tell you what I'm now “doing” after
the past two years of “doing” the world race. There's no logical way for me to
explain to you what I feel the Lord has called me to in this season. Most of
the time, even I think I'm crazy when I look at my life. I have more questions
than answers. I hardly know where I'll be living from day to day. When random
strangers or old acquaintances ask me where I live and what I do, I give them a mumble and a blank
stare as I attempt to muster up some sort of truth in a response that makes
even a LITTLE bit of sense.
But you see, my life just doesn't make sense to the average
working American right now. And that's okay, because it's not supposed to.
God has me on a journey. I've become a “Student of Life.”
And let me tell you, He's the best teacher I've ever had.
Back in October while I was in Romania, a spiritual father
figure asked me via facebook chat what was the last thing I heard God speak.
I thought about the question for a few moments before confidently responding,
“He's telling me to TRUST.”
“Well then, that means you better hang on for a wild ride.”
Crap. What does THAT mean?! That wasn't exactly the response
I was expecting…
I got to Georgia on November 1st and within the
first ten days, I became confident that God was asking me to leave.
“Seriously, God?! I thought this was the next step for me.”
“If you stay, it will be good. But if you want what's better,
you must leave.”
So I left, not knowing where I was going other than I would eventually make it to Nebraska.
It's been a journey. I've often referred to this time as my
“Season of Favor,” because God has CONTINUALLY poured out his blessing upon my
life, all the way from the smallest details to the biggest victories. He's
shown me that I AM HIS beloved daughter, and because He is steadily solidifying
that identity in my heart, I can confidently say that HE is taking care of me.
At the same time, He's told me little about “what's next”
other than to “WAIT.”
Doors have opened, and doors have closed. I've had amazing
opportunities presented to me that I've had to decline because after praying, I
simply knew they weren't “right.” I can't ever remember a time this has been
true of my life.
I've absolutely had stubborn fits. I've had breakdowns as God has
asked me to surrender yet again. I've wanted answers, and I've not received
many absolutes.
But the best thing about all of this is that HE has given me
peace; the peace that passes understanding; the kind that goes down deep and
cannot be shaken.
Just the other day, I told a friend that I could finally say
with confidence that the Lord has called me to the people of America. I'm not
going overseas any time soon. (At least for a longer-term period.) My heart is
yearning for the hurting and broken right in front of me. You don't have to go
far, because they are everywhere.
My passion is exploding. I want my generation
to begin to understand that a life of everyday miracles is possible; that every
place we set foot becomes holy ground because we walk in the anointing of the
Holy Spirit; that the calling God has placed on our lives doesn't have to be
“found” somewhere out there because it's right HERE, right NOW; that each and
every day is filled with purpose if only we could open ourselves to RECEIVE;
that ultimately, life is a lot simpler than we make it out to be because Jesus
says to SEEK FIRST the Kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these
things (our needs) shall be given to us.
I just want us to GET THIS, and through our GETTING OF IT to
begin to impact every home, every family, and every community we are a part of.
COME ON, MEN AND WOMEN OF GOD!!!
God has shown me a few very important things in this season.
1. He is using me beyond what my natural eyes can
see, and this happens in my everyday living. As a ripple begins as a small drop
in a pool but continues to grow and expand, so do the seeds God uses me to plant.
These seeds are being planted in every simple act of love, whether I recognize
it as love or not. It's God who does it.
2. The Holy Spirit has been speaking to me from the
“Parable of the Talents” found in Matthew 25 for several months. His word to me
has been that I must learn to STEWARD the gifts God has given me, no matter how
big or small they seem. His desire is that FRUIT would be produced in my
stewarding, and once I prove myself faithful, He can give more. But it's NOT
UNTIL THEN that I am able to receive any more than this.
3. He is asking me to be AVAILABLE; available to
pick up and go at a moment's notice, available to talk to the woman at the
grocery store, available to love the ones He has placed in front of me, and the
list could go on and on. The important thing is that my hands are untied.
These are big assignments but are at the same time found in
everyday moments. The best part is that I am discovering EVERY DAY is
important, and there is something to be learned in EVERY MOMENT if only I will
receive it.
Where will this lead me? I don't really know. What I
DO know is that God is training/teaching/equipping me for a life as his
disciple.
The other morning as I was journaling, I told the Lord that
one of the hard things in this season is that it requires me to be fully
dependent on him and on others for my needs to be met. I desire to be able to
give back, but in all reality, I am not able to physically give any more. His
response to me in an instant was this:
“But don't you see, my daughter? When you open your heart
and simply live with purpose each day, you are giving back. You're giving your
heart and your love and your time -- and THIS is what it truly means to be my
disciple, and to leave a trail of love (as stated by the beautiful Tiffany
Berkowitz). This is what I desire of you; to be fully present in the places
you are, and to expand my Kingdom through the expansion of your heart. REST in
this. It is only a season of preparation for the seasons of your life to come.”
It's kind of hard to argue with that.
So for now, I choose to be present in this time and this
place.
I wait in eager anticipation of what each day will hold. (And I get to ENJOY the everyday-ness of life!)
I rest in the abiding promises of God over my life.
I make myself available for Him.
And I trust that in His good and perfect way, all will be
revealed in the right time to come.
I have an URGENT request that needs your attention!!
As most of you know, my beloved P Squad is in their seventh month on the field. They are currently spread throughout the southern tip of Africa and will be transitioning to Asia in just a few weeks.
I will be visiting them in the Philippines for the first week of March to check in and encourage them to press hard until the end. The only problem is...
There are 5 girls that I may not be seeing due to a lack of funds in their support accounts! They need a MIRACLE over the next 24 hours.
Would you please consider being a part of making this happen? I ask you to PRAY.
After praying, I ask you to read a brief description of who these women are below.
You cannot believe how much Alicia has been changed by the love of God over the last seven months! She came on the Race with two giant bags of belongings and ended up dropping half of this baggage in month 4. God has already wrecked her by showing her she can't do life without the support of the body of Christ. She has one of the best laughs I've ever heard, and she always makes me smile!
Lauren loves so hard and so well. She seeks the presence of God with a fiery passion, and when she speaks it releases POWER. I have seen this girl continue to fight and believe that the Lord will come through for her time and time again. Her endurance is inspiring.
Melissa is one of the girls on this squad that has been a delight for me to love. I have seen God break through to her heart little by little through the revelation of his immense love for her. She is one that will never again be the same because of the community and family she has found on the World Race.
I got to spend my very first week of squad leading with this amazing woman and let me tell you, it was a joy. Brittany has the gift of making others laugh, and God has truly made her to be a leader of his people. As time has progressed, we have been able to see the real Brittany hidden deep within. I don't think she knew or understood the capacity she holds to love His people.
I knew from the start that Carrie would hold a deep place in my heart. She is one of the kindest souls I have ever met, and she gives some of the best hugs in the world. Carrie makes you feel at ease whenever you are around her. I absolutely love the way she seeks the Lord with open hands and an abandoned heart. She simply longs to be near Him.
I ask you to consider giving to any or all of these amazing women. Any gift helps. Thank you so much for your support. We couldn't do this without you!!!!!
It's been much too long since I've blogged, so I'm going to
start spewing my thoughts. We'll see what comes out…
I've been off the field for just over two weeks now. It's
pretty amazing how that “squad leading thing” is done. Of course I left part of
my heart with those 66 people who are now kickin' it in Africa, so I guess I'm
not exactly “done.” It's just much different with me being “here” and them
being “there.”
As I've been working and processing through all of “that,” I've
recognized how much I grew those four months. Because of the fact that almost
all of my focus was on leading the pack, I had little time to actually
recognize the ways that God was stretching ME. I just knew I was changing. I
think that's how it happens, though; when we get our eyes off ourselves and
onto HIM, growth just happens. When we have to so fully depend on the Holy
Spirit to get us from moment to moment, HE swoops in, barely noticeable, and
changes our hearts in the process.
Part of my growth came in the form of two amazing women that
now hold my heart. Kim Hillebrand and Kyla Cornelius are two women that walk in
the anointing of the Holy Spirit and their identities in Christ. Let me tell
you, we had our struggles. I had moments of wondering how in the world we were
going to cross over the waters. What I learned is that when each person is
willing to jump into the pool of God's love, He is able to bridge gaps that are
unbridgeable.
One of our sweetest moments was in a hostel in Brasov,
Romania where my October 2008 G Squad had stayed about one year prior. It had
been a rough day, and there was some tension that had been mounting between the
three of us. Being that we live in a community of feedback, we dug into each
other. There were hard words spoken. Tears shed. But the best part came with
the three of us lying on a bed, crying out to the Lord for his healing touch.
That's what sisters do. They don't give in, don't give up,
and choose to fight for each other, no matter the cost.
It's quite humbling to recognize the ways the people you
lead begin to look like you, good or ugly. It's also rather humbling to have so
many mirrors. But I think that all in all, seeing each individual's shortcomings has helped
me love myself at a deeper capacity. You see, I was able to see the “junk” of
the person and love them anyway. In return, I was able to love me for me; to stop
expecting myself to be perfect, and just start living!
I have more to write, and it will be coming soon. For now, I
want to leave you with a blog from one of the girls on my squad that is
learning what it means to walk hand-in-hand with the Holy Spirit. Please check it out by clicking here!
My time on the field with P Squad is quickly drawing to a
close. In just one week, I will be landing on American soil. As hard as it will
be to leave this family, I am excited to begin a new chapter of my life and let
these beloved ones begin to fly.
The past four months of squad leading have given me an
entirely different experience of the World Race than my first time around. This
time has been about ministering to the squad, pouring into our leaders, and
prayerfully considering whom God would call “ready” to step in and take our
places as squad leaders. In my last blog, I told you about the FAITH that P
Squad displayed when presented with team and leadership changes just a few
weeks ago. Today, I want to make a few special introductions.
Joshua Maisner is a man who walks with high amounts of courage
and high amounts of consideration for others. He is passionate about life and
seizes the most of every opportunity. He has a smile that is contagious, and
joy has made its mark on his life. I first noticed his leadership at our training camp in
Georgia last May. God had given me a word for the P Squad, which was that the “P”
represented “Promised Land.” I shared with the Squad that the Lord was calling
them into a spiritual land overflowing with milk and honey, if only they would
be willing to take the steps of faith to get there.
For those of you that know the story of the Israelites
walking into the Promised Land, you know that Joshua was the one the Lord
anointed to lead them. Joshua was/is a man of vision, a man who obeyed/will
obey the Lord no matter the cost, and a man willing to lay down his life for
the flock. Though he doesn't always see or understand why or how the Lord wants
to use him to lead the P Squad, I am confident that this one will say, “Yes,”
whatever the outcome.
Lia Frederick has a life and energy about her that is
contagious. Though I have seen her take big and painful stumbles, I have also
seen her get back up stronger and more readied for the battle because of them. She is one that
others are eager to follow, and she will not take “No” for an answer. Her life
is one that is supercharged from the inside out, and it creates a momentum in
both the spiritual and physical atmospheres.
I have seen from the beginning that this one would follow me
to the ends of the earth, and that is part of where her strength lies. Though
she doesn't always have the words to express the inner workings of her heart,
Lia doesn't let fear stand in her way. I am confident that this one will fight
for P Squad with everything inside of her. She will spur them to greatness
and believe in them when they don't believe in themselves.
My prayer and belief is that the Lord has called these two
for this time and this season of leadership, though it's a bigger undertaking than they previously realized. They have
counted the cost and have said YES with 100% confidence, and I could not have chosen two people that I have more confidence in to do this "job" and do it well.
PLEASE follow these two on their journeys. Support them in your prayers, and encourage them with your words.
Change and transition are benchmarks of the World Race,
something I know I've stated on numerous occasions.
Approximately a week and a half ago, P Squad underwent a HUGE transition. Kyla, Kim and I had spent days, hours, and nights praying over
the 66 people on this squad. Our goal? To ask the Lord a.) who He wanted us to
pull up as new squad leaders, and b.) what team changes needed to be made.
We prayed, made drafts and came back to the table. We moved
people around and prayed some more. Though it seemed like a huge undertaking,
it was really a beautiful process in which we drew near to Jesus and listened
to his voice.
When looking at our new teams on paper, some didn't make
sense in my natural understanding. But the underlying theme of our final draft
was PEACE. The three of us were confident that God had moved. We then prayed
for the squad to receive these changes with open minds and open hearts.
The Lord gave me a word just days before launching with this
squad last July. That morning, I clearly heard him speak, “GRAFT.” There is one
place in Scripture (Romans 11) where this word is used, so that was a pretty
easy game. As He brought revelation to my heart, I wrote in my journal, "God, I
know this revelation is not only for me but also all of P Squad.”
Over the past few months, I asked the Lord if it was time to
share this word. His answer was repeatedly, “No,” until just the other day.
side note: It is NOT easy to hold onto a word for three
months!!
The basic idea the author expresses in Romans 11 is that we
are wild olive branches that have been grafted into God's cultivated olive
tree. This isn't natural and most likely feels quite uncomfortable at first.
But over time, the blood of the cultivated tree runs through that branch.
Though it once felt so alien, eventually that little branch doesn't feel a
difference between it and the tree to which it's been grafted.
There may be a
scar for remembrance, but it's no longer wild.
"You will say then, 'Branches were broken off that I might
be grafted in.' Well said. Because of unbelief they were broken off, and you stand by faith. Do not be haughty,
but fear. For if God did not spare the natural branches, He may not spare you
either."
Romans 11:19-21
The word that most stands out to
me in this passage is FAITH. God calls us as wild branches to stand by FAITH
and FAITH alone. It is FAITH that allows us to stand at all and remain grafted
in the cultivated tree.
God has done a massive grafting in
each of our lives, and it hurts. Change is hard. It makes the ground
feel unsteady, and it's not comfortable. It exposes the depths of our hearts
and reveals the things we've clung to for stability other than Christ. At that
point, we're forced to make a decision. Will we choose to stand by faith, or
will we choose to stand in unbelief?
Later that afternoon, Kyla, Kim and I handed out cards to
each person on P Squad. These cards had the names of their new teammates
written on them, and we asked each person to take their note before the Lord.
They were instructed to turn off all ipods, computers, or other electronic
devices and find a quiet place to be with God. It was “go time.”
An hour later, everyone was released to spend the rest of
the day with their new teams.
Now, you must understand something. We put teams together at
training camp and force them to become very intimate very fast. Though it's met
with some resistance by most at first, little do these racers realize just how
much they are going to need this family to make it through the year; how much they
will lean on this family in the good and the bad; and how much they will grow
to love these people.
Then, three months later, we mix everything up. That's not
exactly easy or “fair.”
The response to these team changes displayed the amount of
FAITH this squad has chosen to walk in. Instead of anger and frustration, I saw
JOY. Instead of doubt and fear, I saw EXCITEMENT.
I was blown away, not only by who these people are, but also
by the FAITHFUL GOD we serve.
P SQUAD:
THANK YOU for choosing to trust us and to trust God, even when things don't make
sense.
THANK YOU for choosing to walk by faith, even when the path
is not lit.
THANK YOU for being the people of God who WILL inherit the
Promised Land!
A cool breeze swept across
the balcony as I closed my eyes
and let myself sway in the wicker rocking chair. I was overwhelmed by a
deep
sense of security in the rhythm and sway of the chair. The Lord was speaking
to
my heart, and I was sitting in His presence. I was overwhelmed in His
PEACE.
Freedom. Purity. Wholeness. Life.
These were the words being spoken to my heart.
The revelation was
simply this:
I was pure before Him, a pure and spotless lamb. Because my
heart intentions were pure, there was absolutely nothing I could do in
that
moment that could separate me from Him. I could have just made the
biggest
mistake of my life, but it wouldn't even matter because I KNEW my heart
was
pure. Jesus' manifest presence was so real and thick in that chair that I
literally saw and felt him holding me.
In an orphanage in Haiti, after some of the most challenging
days on this Race, I experienced one of the most beautiful and
breathtaking
moments of my life. It was FREEDOM in its purest and most overwhelming
form; pure revelation making the trek from my head to my
heart.
Not even a week later, I was visiting another team at
another Haitian orphanage, and I was able to join them in a Bible study
from 1
John. After taking some time to discuss our thoughts, one of the girls
stated
that she didn't understand the following verse:
Beloved, now we are children of God; and it
has not yet been revealed what we shall be, but we know that when He is
revealed, we shall be like Him, for we shall see Him as He is. -1 John
3:2
As some ideas floated around the
table, I presented this question. “Why
do we always assume this verse is
speaking of when we some day arrive in heaven? Jesus reveals himself in
my life
on a daily basis. Can't this mean right here, right now?”
From the looks I received, it was obvious that no one had thought of
this
possibility.
After pondering for a few moments,
someone offered to look up the meaning of “revealed” in this passage.
Here's
what she found.
revealed:
to make manifest or visible or known what has been hidden or unknown, to
manifest,
whether by words, or deeds, or in any other way.
I was absolutely blown away. Here's the kicker, found in the
next verse.
And everyone who has this hope in Him
purifies himself, just as He is pure. -1 John 2:28-3:3
I couldn't believe what was happening. God had given me this
revelation and then shown me in his written Word that it was actually
TRUE.
In the moments of pure communion between my spirit and the Holy Spirit,
there
is a purity that manifests. The presence of GOD manifests. In God's
presence, there
is no place for sin. There is no place for self-condemnation. There is
no place
for doubt, guilt, chaos, or any other thing contrary to the character of
God.
Instead, there is a supernatural outpouring of the fruits of the Spirit.
That is when we are like Him, when we “see Him as He is,”
when we become the living manifestation of Sons and Daughters of the
Most High
King, when we become who we were made to be from the dawn of time.
I absolutely love squad leading. I LOVE the ways God has been using me to speak truth into the hearts of others and the way He's taught me to SEE them on a deeper level. I LOVE that I get to watch my peers come alive as they discover passions they never knew existed. I LOVE watching us discover how we are made to function as a body and as a result, allow the Holy Spirit to move in unprecedented ways.
But some days it's just hard.
I was commenting to a friend the other day that I wish I could have even one day of being able to physically step outside of myself. It's so easy for me to see others. It's not so easy for me to see myself. I've grown so much in self-awareness over the past two years, but some days it's still extremely frustrating.
Today, I woke up in a funk. Do you ever have those days? On our way to church, I said, "Okay...I'm feeling heavy. Who wants to pray for me?"
It got slightly better with some prayer, coffee, and a few good laughs. However, the heaviness didn't fully subside.
After church, I had the privilege of grabbing lunch with two of the team members of Z'Maan. They began to ask me questions about my life, as normal friends do. It was such a great conversation, one of me being poured into instead of me pouring out. At one point, one of them said something to me that I thought profound. She said,
"What's interesting about you is that the places in life that are actually safe (your relationships) are unsafe to you. It's the things that are unsafe (like traveling the world, for instance!) that you find safe. But here's the deal. When you decide to open yourself up to others, you create one of the safest places I've ever known."
Wow.
The assignment I was given at the beginning of squad leading was to fail. Yep, that's right: to fail. The thing is, I've lived under a fear of failing for pretty much the entirety of my life, and the only way that can be broken from my life is to fail miserably (or not even so miserably!) and let the ones that love me unconditionally pick me up again.
I'm not going to try and "package" this up for you. My natural tendency in life is to do as such, but I'm learning to live in the middle of the mess and be okay with it.
When visiting the beach in Northern Ireland this past week, I kept feeling the urge to take photos of my feet. It felt sort of strange to have such an urge to do so. Now I understand why. God is giving me a prophetic symbol for this season of my life, and it is this:
I would honestly love to fill you in on all of the thoughts
that have been swirling around in my head and my heart these past few months.
Instead of starting so big, I am feeling obligated to give you the facts of
life. Sorry that's it's been awhile!
My current location can be tagged in the town of Coleraine,
Northern Ireland. (Never did I think I would end up in Ireland when I signed up to lead this World Race!) Kyla, Kim and I have been blessed to spend the past few days
living in the home of a more-than-generous Irish family that loves the Lord. We
hadn't even met these people before arriving. That's the way our God works - he
brings his family together in unprecedented ways! I love it.
We've been using this time away from the P Squad to pray
over some big decisions and then begin to hash them out. It's been a blessing
to have the time and space in which to do that, though I wish we could hide
away here for another week!
Jesus has also blessed us with beautiful weather and fun
excursions in the Irish countryside. See photos below.
Kyla, Kim and I (Charlie's Angels, anyone?) are in charge of over-seeing approximately
70 people that are split into a total of eleven teams. These eleven teams have
been spending the month of September in a total of four countries. That's
right: I said four. Six in Ireland, two in Romania, two in Moldova, and one in
Czech Republic.
The three of us are flying out to Budapest, Hungary on
Thursday. From there, we are venturing our way to Romania. We will spend a week
or so with the teams in this country and then will head back to the city of
Bucharest to prepare for the rest of the squad to join us. During the span of
about two days, Kyla, Kim and I will begin the process of handing the
leadership of this squad to our new squad leaders. On October 31st,
I will head back to the States and the rest of the squad will fly to Africa.
It's been amazing to see God's hand at work in this entire
process! I am continually thankful for the honor of being entrusted with the
lives of 70 incredible, passionate and loving individuals. Please keep us in
your prayers as we enter into this time of change and transition!
Here's a video I made about a month ago during the middle of my time in Haiti.
The hope of this message is to portray to you a better understanding of what my role as "Squad Leader" entails from the mouths of those I have the privilege of leading!
My financial need to cover the rest of this four-month stint of Squad Leading is $2,000. A huge THANK YOU goes out to those of you that have supported me in prayer and finances these past two years! I absolutely love my life and couldn't be doing this without you.
I hope you enjoy learning a bit more about what I've been doing these past two months through this video.
If you feel led to support me financially, you can do so by clicking here.
Preface: This blog is not meant to attack. It's my simple
effort to bridge the gap I see between what we're exposed to in America and
what I've found to be true in most of the places I've traveled.
I think we are too quick to forget about or brush aside
issues that seem to be "too big" or "too complicated" for any hope of change.
Before leaving the States several weeks ago, someone asked
me, "Does Haiti still need help?" I was a bit taken back, but kindly replied,
"Yes. Yes, they do." I often struggle with questions like this, simply because
I have seen and know there is so much pain and injustice in our world that we
so easily overlook from the comfort of home.
While I am not one to blame the media for all of America's
problems, I recognize the great influence it has on us. One of my first mission
trips was to aid the relief effort months after Hurricane Katrina hit
Louisiana. I was amazed to see the immense need for help still in existence,
and yet so many Americans had forgotten about the thousands or perhaps millions
of lives that were impacted by this storm. I too found myself in this category
of ignorance until seeing the need with my own two eyes.
Let me assure you: Haiti still
needs help. Haiti still needs people
willing to go and do the dirty work. Haiti still
needs people to hold the orphans, feed the hungry, and love the outcasts.
Ultimately, Haiti still needs to know
there is HOPE in Jesus.
Haiti. Still. Needs.
I heard a first-hand account of the earthquake today from a
Haitian man with a heart as big as Texas. He told me his account of literally saving
a woman from an angry, religious mob. In their anger and frustration, this
religious mob wanted someone to point a finger at; someone to blame for the
pain, destruction and fear in the aftermath of tragedy. She was the easy target
for one, simple reason: she was walking around topless.
"It's because of people like you that God has brought this destruction upon us!" they
ferociously screamed as they physically attacked her. This woman would be dead
had this man not stepped in to save her.
It's hard to hear accounts like this and to know that we as
humans are capable of believing such lies. I am reminded of the story of the
religious mob in the bible that set out to kill the prostitute. Jesus acted
contrary. He loved her, accepted her for who she was, saw that her true
identity was NOT as a prostitute, and welcomed her into a new life in the
Kingdom.
So are the problems in Haiti too big? Are they too
overwhelming for us to take action? Not with my God. My God is a God who
loves people out of their sorry existences and gives them a new life in Christ.
He is a God who gives hope to the hopeless. He is a God that uses the weak things of this world to shame the wise.
We are here for that very purpose, and I am honored to say that God has called me to lead a squad that is HUNGRY for the things of God. They are HUNGRY for his presence. They are HUNGRY to see change in our world, and they won't be satisfied in sitting and watching on the sidelines.
I will continue to travel around Haiti for the month of August. Please be praying for God's favor and provision!!! We are all expecting God to move in miraculous ways!!! :)
Joshua Maisner is a man who walks with high amounts of courage
and high amounts of consideration for others. He is 
